Unraveling

... but still holding on to the hope of God.

That best describes me right now.

Papa (Grandpa) went back to the hospital yesterday. Just two days before Aunt Tammy's surgery to remove breast cancer tomorrow. His body is intoxicating itself, so to speak. He is in excruciating pain. Papa is suffering physically, everyone else in the family is suffering emotionally in their own way. My cousin Tommy is filling out paperwork to be Papa's legal caretaker so that he can take medical FMLA and help out with Papa and Grandma. That is a really good thing. My Mom is taking off of work tomorrow and Friday to be with Aunt Tammy (and Uncle Jimmy) through her ordeal. Papa is at one hospital in town, and Aunt Tammy will be at the other one. They are across the street from each other.

I feel anxious and unnerved. I know that I cannot add one day to my life (or anyone else's) by worrying and so I am to cast all my worries on God. I know that ... in my head. Why won't my heart listen? I am not sleeping well at night. I've had more stress-induced migraines in the past month than I think I've ever had in total. I feel almost physically ill because I can't be with my family right now through everything. I feel tired. I feel unsettled. I feel nauseated. I feel unnecessary guilt.

However... My heart does still believe that God is compassionate and merciful. So when I was awakened by Him just after 5 this morning, I immediately took all of this to Him in prayer. I apparently didn't let go of it all, though. Please pray protection, healing, and comfort for my family; and peace for me!

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you;

he will never let the righteous fall.

Psalm 55:22

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Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

I Peter 5:7

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Refusing Gifts

Last Friday night, I stayed with my friends' two children while they enjoyed a date-night. It was pretty uneventful. They are good kids, and super-cute! No, I am not biased, thank you very much!

Putting the 15-month-old to bed was fairly uneventful. Putting just-turned-five-year-old Haley to bed started out uneventful. I was told to read her "a" bedtime story, but before I knew it, I was finishing up the third story. Yes, I realize that makes me a sucker in the eyes of some, but at least the last two were Bible stories.

After stories and prayers, I was heading out of her bedroom door when I turned and said, "Night-night, Haley! Sleep tight, and have sweet dreams!" This is where things changed. I was surprised to have a small hand outstretched in a definitive "stop," and accompanied by an adamant "No!"

• "No?" I asked with a great deal of confusion. "You don't want sweet dreams?"
• "No! Zero dreams. I want Zero dreams."

Hmm, maybe she's afraid of bad dreams, so I'll tell her I mean for her to have good dreams.

• "Not even very sweet, good dreams, huh? We could ask Jesus for that."
• "No. Just Zero!"
• "Okay, then. Night-night, zero dreams, Haley."
• "Okay."

I wonder how many times God has tried to offer me something good and I have said "No!" because I was too afraid that it was not actually good. Do I not trust that it is good? Do I not trust that it is from Him? Do I believe that I need to earn it? Do I think that I will have to "do something in return" for it? Do I have a hard time believing that His gifts for me are free? Or do I simply have a hard time believing that He just wants to give me gifts because He loves me? I don't know the answer; but I suspect that some of those doubts are underlying reasons that I may have missed out on a gift from God or even refused it.

Sometimes the gifts are difficult to notice by we who are too busy with our lives and the world around us, but that doesn't mean it isn't there for the taking. One of my favorite gifts that God gave me was in a dark time (emotionally) ... I was very sad and felt darkness invading my heart. When I arrived home at dusk, there were hundreds of fireflies (lightning bugs) all over the yard. It looked like little dancing stars of light all over! I knew it was a love note from God to me! I sat on the porch swing and enjoyed it immensely! If only I noticed and accepted His gifts more often. They are far more than we ask or imagine. They are not just what we call miracles ... They are His creation of young & old; mountains; animals; oceans; fields; laughter; family; friends; and who can resist the breath of a sleeping baby?

Maybe we are scared sometimes that it is not actually from God when something seems "too good to be true." But isn't God too good to be true by human standards? Don't we have this idea that we have to "earn" everything here on Earth? For instance, look at how we delight in unexpected gifts from others for "no reason." I believe it's not only joy, but also the unexpectedness of kindness and a gift. In a way, it is a little sad that kindness and gifts (even of time or talents) are so rarely shared for "free." So, of course, it stands to reason, that we would have a difficult time accepting the free gift of life that Jesus gave us on the cross ... that he loves us so much that He would die for us so that we can freely live and have eternal life! It truly is the ultimate gift of love ... and if you think that's impressive ... just wait, there's more! ... It's FREE!
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Jesus replied, “If you only knew the gift God has for you

and who you are speaking to,

you would ask me, and I would give you living water.”

John 4:10 (NLT)

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For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son,

so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.

John 3:16 (NLT)

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Now that's a gift worth taking!

I'll Pass on "The Right to Bear"

The human spirit can endure a sick body, but who can bear a crushed spirit?

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Proverbs 18:14 (NLT)

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While battling cancer a few years ago, a dear friend (since college) found out that she had another cancer. She and I were just discussing this the other day. I told her that I remember what she said that day (sorry if it's not exactly verbatim, friend!) -

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"I know that God says He won't give us more than we can bear, but right now I'm ready to re-negotiate just how much He thinks I can bear!"

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That has always stuck with me because it resonates true in my life, sometimes more often than I'd like to admit. Now is one of those times that it definitely hits home.

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If you've been following my blog, then you know about my Papa (Grandpa) having cancer that has metastasized aggressively and the terminal prognosis. Well, as if that were not enough for our family to bear, my Aunt (Mom's only sibling / Grandma & Papa's other daughter) was told last Friday that she has breast cancer. Seriously, God?

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She meets with a specialist this week. We will know more at that time, but the pathologist encouraged her and my uncle that it is in the early stages. So while we don't technically know her prognosis and course of treatment yet, it sounds positive thus far.

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All of this reminds me of a couple of quotes from one of my favorite movies: Return To Me. The shortened synopsis is that a widower unknowingly falls in love with the woman that was the recipient of his late wife's heart.

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At first, when the woman figures it out, she cries to her best friend, "What was God thinking?!" I think our family fully relates to this right now. How could He allow this to happen when we're in the midst of dealing with all that is going on with Papa (Grandpa)?

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Then, however, comes the gentle quote from her wise, kind, faith-filled grandfather: "It's the character that's the strongest that God gives the most challenges to ... Now, you can take that as a compliment." I am asking God to give me that outlook.

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That doesn't mean that I think it will be easy.

That doesn't mean that I think there won't be hard days.

That doesn't mean that my heart won't hurt.

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That DOES mean that because Jesus has Conquered the Grave,

I can Hope in Him!

That DOES mean that I can Trust that He is in control, and

His Love Endures Forever!

That DOES mean that I don't have to bear a crushed spirit because

He is my Strength when I am weak!

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I pray that my family will draw closer to our

Holy, Almighty, Compassionate, Merciful Father

in Heaven during this time.

May His name be Glorified! Amen!

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The human spirit can endure a sick body, but who can bear a crushed spirit?

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Proverbs 18:14 (NLT)

www.biblegateway.com

Can You Say Poffertjes?

Don't worry, most people can't. Please allow me to enlighten you on this delightful word... Poffertjes basically look like little silver dollar pancakes, but they're a little different batter, thus a little sweeter. They are served with powdered sugar and strawberries.
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Where, you may say, can I consume such a treat? Well, I'll tell you... at the three-day annual Tulip Time festival in Pella, IA. Iowa? Do people actually live there? I thought it was just pigs & corn! No, my friend, people actually live here. Native Iowans are always saying, "Is this Heaven? ... No, it's Iowa." (you should totally know the movie). I am a transplant to Iowa (please don't ask ... how God moved me from Florida to Iowa must be left to another post another day), but I must admit, it is a pleasant place - not in the winter.
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Pella-kins (yes, that's what I said) are very proud of their Dutch heritage. How Dutch are they? The "V" section of the phone book is the largest of any I've ever seen! Most people in this town have a two or three part last name. To fit in, my friend and I made up our own Dutch last name comprised of several pre/post sections of some common Dutch surnames.
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Behold, I introduce to you the Van de Versmaa's! It's actually much longer than that, but we cut it down for time's sake.
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Okay, on to Tulip Time:
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Each year, the town-folk (I completely cracked myself up for writing that) dress in Dutch costumes reflective of the provinces from whence their ancestors hailed and celebrate all that is Dutch. There is much wool and lace involved in these costumes. There are goofy hats and wooden shoes (called klompen). There are over 80,000 Tulips planted in the Autumn with the anticipation of blossoming just before the festival begins. There are parades that include floats, bands from neighboring towns, and bands from other Dutch communities in Iowa AND other states. There are songs filling the air with the lovely choking sounds of the Dutch language. (It's not that bad, but it's not a very "pretty" language). There is a huge working windmill, and a klokkenspel [umm ... klok-en-schpeel] - which is a cool town clock complete with music & figurines that play on the hour every three hours during the day (every day-time hour during Tulip Time!).
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There is a Tulip Court, complete with a high school senior Queen and her four ladies of the Court. They are voted for back in December. They are required to have good grades, talent, and be well-spoken. They must not be shy, because they will spend the next year touring the state and educating people on the history of the Dutch coming to Pella so as to promote Tulip Time.
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People pour in from all over the United States. Over 100,000 people pass through our little town of 10,000 during these three days. West Market Park is filled with "craft" vendors in white tents, hoping you'll buy their stuff. Central Park (on the Square) is filled with tourists stopping to take a picture of each bed of tulips. "I know we already got a picture with some yellow tulips, but that was in a different park." Crowds. Trash.
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The crowds wouldn't bother me too much if it weren't for the trash. You see, I like this lovely little town. There is a Dutch-front building code. There are some brick-laid streets. The streets literally get cleaned every so often by a large street cleaning vehicle of some sort. The parks are well cared for. At Tulip Time, a two block stretch of the square is actually "washed" in preparation for each afternoon and evening parade. Anyone in the community in a Dutch costume that wants to can line up to help. The men get a yoke with a bucket hanging off of each side. There are water troughs lining the two blocks. The children and women get street-scrubbing brooms, and off they go down two blocks washing the street because we like 'em clean around here!
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It is fun. The best thing about Tulip Time? The food! It's everywhere, and most stands are organizations like school sports teams or churches. There are many things to try! There are standards like burgers, hot dogs, and such; but there are things I'd never heard of before I moved here. In my humble opinion, you can't miss out on the pastries whether at a stand or one of the two bakeries in town. The Dutch definitely have a sweet-tooth ... which is I why I'm going to try to stay away from the square this year (I just lost 5.5 lbs, yay me, but I don't want to gain it back in one weekend!). I may not spell them correctly, but here are a few of my favorite things to eat:
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Poffertjes [pahf-er-geez] - a sweet, small "pancake" (don't call them pancakes - the Dutch get very upset at that because they are a slightly different batter - people stand in line for 20 minutes for a plate of 12 of these things ... my friend wanted to open a Tulip Time stand and call it "Giant Poffertjes" ... and serve Bisquick pancakes! - that cracks me up!)
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Stroopwaffels [strrope-wah-fuhls] - extremely thin round waffle-type thing with a delicious carmel-y syrup inside - set them over a warm drink to melt the inside
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Dutch Letters - all things almond! If you like light, flaky, sweet pastries and almond paste, then you'll love Dutch Letters! It's called "letters" with an "s", but there really is only one letter you'll find ... an "S" :)
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It's kind of a bizarre festival, I suppose, but it really is beautiful. Here's a link to the town http://www.pella.org/. It's fun to live in a town of people who like things clean and care about the community. It's nice to live in a town that's relatively safe. It's not perfect, no place is, but it's definitely pretty. Plus, the Lord has blessed me with really good friends and church family here.
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Now, if only those stroopwaffels didn't have my name on them ...
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“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances,

for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.”

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

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6 Miles a Gallon

In honor of a blog I recently began reading, I am, for the first time, participating in:

It should be great fun, and I am fairly certain that I, at times, may have much to contribute to it. Here goes for this week:

While preparing to leave on vacation recently, I did not visit with friends until 9:30/10:00 the night before when I still needed to pack for a 12 day trip. I definitely would not have gone to Wal-Mart for some last minute items at midnight. I certainly would not have been putting gas in my truck at 1:00 AM when I needed to leave the house by 5:45 AM to drive to the airport three and a half hours away. To follow that up, I surely could not have zoned out, while randomly cleaning or organizing odds and ends rather than sleeping for a bit, and not remember what I did during those hours. I positively did not get in the shower at 5:55 AM, and get on the road by 6:15 AM. Without a doubt, I did not arrive too late to my friend's home to get to the airport on time; upon where I did not miss my flight.

Later, after finally arriving home in Florida, I received a text-message from a dear friend informing me that I did NOT leave my truck without the keys in it, locked, but running for over 10 hours until my friends returned to their home to take care of it! There is NO WAY that I wasted the last six or seven gallons of my gas-tank on Zero miles, and thus average only six miles a gallon for that tank of gas because I would never do something like that, not me!

And to top it all of, once I returned home, I undeniably did not whack myself in the forehead this weekend with a heavy, three-pronged, industrial-sized plug while trying to impatiently separate two extension chords at church. I'm pretty sure that I didn't deserved that in my hasty actions.

The Sovereign Lord has spoken to me,

and I have listened.

I have not rebelled or turned away.

I offered my back to those who beat me

and my cheeks to those who pulled out my beard.

I did not hide my face from mockery and spitting.

Because the Sovereign Lord helps me,

I will not be disgraced.

Therefore, I have set my face like a stone,

determined to do his will.

And I know that I will not be put to shame.

Isaiah 50:5-7 (NLT)

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Praise the Sovereign Lord that He helps me ... I mean if I did embarrassing things like that; but thank goodness that I don't!

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Don't forget to check out: http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/05/not-me-monday-is-back.html to see this weeks entries and find out what interesting things others are not doing!