Still Saved

If you, God, kept records on wrongdoings,
who would stand a chance?
As it turns out, forgiveness is your habit,
and that's why you're worshiped.

Psalm 130:3-4 (MSG)

Just this morning, I was speaking with a work acquaintance with whom I've formed a friendship over the years through phone conversations. We've actually never met, but she often shares prayer requests. She is a recovering smoker, drug addict, alcoholic ... she's had a very tough life. She gave her life over to the Lord just a few years ago; but, like many of us, struggles at times and falls off of the path God has laid out before her. When we speak, I try to encourage her and promise to pray for her and her life situations.

This morning she told me that her husband (still addicted to drugs) moved out two weeks ago. She was glad on one hand, but it was still heart-breaking for her. She wondered why she couldn't be enough for him to want to quit using drugs. She then broke her current 52-day sober run in front of her 15-year-old who was home for the weekend from a juvenile center. It must have been quite a bad fall off the wagon since the police were called that night. She told me that she contacted both her AA sponsor and a lady that mentored her when she first became a Christian the next day. I affirmed her that those were wonderful decisions.

"I still run from God sometimes, and I do such bad things. Do you think I'm still saved?" she asked me.

I called her by name and said, "God created you and He knows your heart. If we only got to Heaven by what we do or how we live, then none of us would make it. That's why God sent Jesus - because He longs to reunite with us and love on us. If you gave your heart to the Lord, then you belong to Him and, yes, you are saved ... by HIS GRACE because JESUS blood is more than enough to cover every last one of every one of our sins!"

I can encourage others in this, but why do I have a hard time taking it to heart for myself? Praise God for His grace and that He does not keep record of our wrong-doings!

God saved you by his grace when you believed.

And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God.

Ephesians 2:8 (NLT)

Thanks to my friend Tom for his devotional on Psalm 130 yesterday morning as that is what led me to share this story. Thanks for the encouragement, Tom! ...I don't know how to do links that don't look like links, so anyway, check out Tom's site if you like - he has some great insight as he goes through the scripture! http://creativepath.typepad.com/wayfarer/2009/07/chapteraday-psalm-130.html

Obstructed View

I have chosen and consecrated this temple

so that my Name may be there forever.

My eyes and my heart will always be there.

II Chronicles 7:16

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I've been a little on the "torked" side the past two weeks. My TV which I purchased in November, broke. There were no warning signs. It just happened. The picture faded out and the left half of the screen had vertical lines. Just like that. It was done.

Oh, initially, I wasn't bothered much. Technology is not as dependable as people like to think. I figured it was a weird glitch and I would just contact the store on Monday morning. It is obviously a manufacturing error and it is still under warranty, after all. The store was great. The manufacturer was not-so-great. Here are some statements made to me during my three conversations with the manufacturer:

• "You'll have to pay the shipping & handling - $125 each way"
• "Call us back once you have a brother or uncle or someone with technological knowledge there with you and we'll trouble-shoot"
• "We'll provide the part, but we're not "incumbent" to provide a piece of paper promising to provide the part" (um, I think you meant obligated)
• And my personal favorite: "I don't know that my supervisor is going to want to talk to you" ... at which point I went from keeping my cool to losing it *just a little*

I called back to the store because this was just completely unacceptable and I was getting nowhere with the manufacturer. The store was apologetic for the mistake of not realizing that I had the extended warranty, meaning that I should not have dealt with the manufacturer at all! All I had to do was bring the TV to the store and they would either repair or replace it. So I brought my TV up the following Saturday (it's an hour away), and was told it would be two weeks. "Okay, I'm just glad to have it taken care of," I told the store representative. Several people commented that I should call and request it be completed sooner, but I decided to just let it be.

I got a call yesterday and I was told they are unable to repair my television so they will replace it. However, they no longer carry that brand so they have found a comparable one that is the same size and resolution, but there was one other difference besides the brand. Turns out, it's an even better one that's valued slightly higher!

I got pretty worked up over a thing. In the beginning, I felt completely wronged. I was irritated that I should have to go through this when I have done nothing wrong. I couldn't see past my own frustrations. Near the end of my situation, however, I leaned more into patience, graciousness, and thankfulness as the Lord has continued to humble my heart over the years. I'm so glad!

Even when my view is obstructed ...

... HE is still there, working in my life.

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...but because Jesus lives forever, he has a permanent priesthood.

Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him,

because he always lives to intercede for them.
Such a high priest meets our need—one who is holy, blameless, pure,

set apart from sinners, exalted above the heavens.

Hebrews 7:24-26

Lost Song

The cheerful sound of
tambourines is stilled;
the happy cries of celebration
are heard no more.
The melodious chords
of the harp are silent.
~ Isaiah 24:8


I have had a difficult time grieving the loss of my Papa. Oh, sure, I can write about it, but I haven't really "done it." I can know in my head how this mourning thing should work, but I haven't let my heart "go there."

See, I thought I knew how to grieve because I was blessed to be born to 11 grandparents / great-grandparents and had already lost 9 of them - most not until I was old enough to fully experience it ... but this, this is different. This is my Papa. This is the strong, but gentle man that let his grand kids crawl up in his lap early on summer mornings and watch Bugs Bunny with him. This is the humorous man that put a little coffee in our sippy cups. This is our Papa who would chuckle silently at the head of the table while his grand kids showed each other the food in our mouths at the other end of the table - nobody in between noticing (except our disgusted moms). This is our Papa that took the boys fishing; and let us girls put curlers in his hair and give his big, worn carpenter-hands a manicure. This is our Papa who wanted to make certain that all of his kids and grand kids knew Jesus and would be in Heaven with him someday. This is my wise, pray-warrior Papa, one of my spiritual mentors (along with Grandma), who always seemed to know just the scripture to fit your circumstance. This is my Papa whom I love. So how, exactly, am I just supposed to know how to grieve the loss of him? It's never been like this before.

I have been back in church for two Sundays. I was serving in Worship Tech, running the light board both weeks. It was different. I couldn't worship the LORD. I love to worship God ... no, I mean I really love to worship God. It is the way that I most intimately connect with Him. When I worship God, everything else fades away. People, time, space ... they all just disappear and it's me & Jesus. I choose to fully enter into His presence and love on Him ... and, not just know but, feel Him love on me. Worship is my most natural way to communicate with the LORD. The thing is, I didn't feel like communicating with Him. I realized I had not really talked to Him since Papa's Home-going Celebration service. I had not really felt like much of anything since then either. It wasn't really a conscience decision not to talk to God, but more of a lack of desire to deal with feelings, period.

I had spent many prayers and requests of prayer on my family during Papa's battle over the past few months. I had prayed that they would draw closer to God rather than become bitter / angry and turn from Him. And now, here I am not talking to God myself. I didn't want to be in this place and I don't want to stay here either.

I decided I should probably talk to someone and try to process. The same day that I thought that, I received an email from a lady with many years of Hospice experience that works at my church now. She wondered if I would like to meet with her and talk. How very God to work that out! So I met with her earlier this week. She asked me about Papa. She asked me what it was like to be with him during those past few days. Did I have questions for God or was I angry or what? I didn't know. "I'm not really feeling," I said. I told her about my lack of a desire to worship or pray. "I feel like I've 'lost my song,'" I told her. She gave me some wise God-filled guidance. She reminded me that God isn't afraid of my questions or anger; it's okay and natural to feel those things; and HE'd rather have me come to Him with my "whys" than to give Him the silent treatment. My head got that, but still not my heart. She prayed a beautiful prayer for me before I left her office. I know that meeting with her helped tremendously, but I still hadn't processed.

It was rainy and gloomy the next evening when I, at the suggestion of the aforementioned lady, met with one of my pastors. He asked me what I'd been feeling. I told him the same that I had said the day before. I told him that I had not talked to God since all of this. At that moment, the skies really started to down-pour. My pastor looked at me and, in all sincerity, said, "Do you think that could be God's tears for you?" Um, whoa, but I guess, yeah. "Probably," I answered, still not really feeling much of anything.

We talked some more. Then he said that he was discerning as I spoke, and that he thought I should pray out-loud with him there, rather than him praying for me. Why not, okay, guess it can't hurt to try. My heart was skeptical, but I agreed. I started by just flat out admitting to God that I didn't know what to say to Him. I just kept praying even though I didn't feel like it, and before I knew it, I was a watery-eyed, drippy-nosed, gasping-for-air mess. I was surprised by the questions I had for God, but HE wasn't. I was surprised to hear myself say that I didn't think it was fair, but HE wasn't. I was surprised to realize that I still believe HE is compassionate, faithful, and just; but HE wasn't. GOD wasn't surprised by any of my prayers because HE knew my heart even when I was so numb that I didn't. I asked the Lord's forgiveness for my silence. I asked Him to remind me and show me the ways that HE is holding my broken heart. I asked Him for my song back.

When I left, the sky was beginning to clear. Like me, it was still a little cloudy and dreary; but the hope of light was peaking through. I know there will still be days where there are more clouds than sunshine, but I believe God gave me my song back (I even tried it out in the shower this morning! :) My song won't ever sound the same as it did before; but it will be beautiful!

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,

out of the mud and the mire.

He set my feet on solid ground

and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see what he has done and be amazed.

They will put their trust in the Lord.

Psalm 40:2-3

No Comparison

Praise the LORD with the harp;

make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
Sing to him a new song;

play skillfully, and shout for joy.
For the word of the LORD is right and true;

he is faithful in all he does.

Psalm 33:2-4

So this past week Michael Jackson, the "king of pop," died. I have found the media and fans' responses both tiresome and interesting. I once watched a video clip about worship that showed fans responding to Michael Jackson. They screamed. They shouted. They fell to their knees. They fainted!

All of this was in response to a man. A man who could not heal them. A man that could not possibly know each and every one of them. A man to whom they owed ... nothing. I do not dispute his level of musical and entertaining talent, be it my preferred style of music or not; but the fact remains that he was a mere mortal.

So then why is our response to worshipping The Almighty, Eternal, Everlasting, Holy, Good, Faithful, Merciful, Compassionate, Living God and King so small and quiet? I read Isaiah 40 when my Papa was in great pain one of the days in Hospice. I read it again today. Below are some parts of it that really jumped out at me:

"Comfort, comfort my people," says your God.

"Speak tenderly to Jerusalem.

Tell her that her sad days are gone

and her sins are pardoned..."

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A voice said, "Shout!"

I asked, "What should I shout?"

"Shout that ... the word of our God stands forever."

..."Your God is coming!"

Yes, the Sovereign LORD is coming in power.

He will rule with a powerful arm.

See, He brings His reward with Him as He comes.

He will feed His flock ... He will carry the lambs

in His arms ... close to His heart

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Who else has held the oceans in his hand?

Who has measured of the heavens with his fingers?

Who else knows the weight of the earth

or has weighed the mountains and hills on a scale?

... To whom can you compare God?

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Haven't you heard? Don't you understand?

God sits above the circle of the earth.

Look up into the heavens. Who created all the stars?

He brings them out like an army, one after another,

calling each by its name.

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... how can you say the LORD does not see your troubles?

... how can you say God ignores your rights?

Have you never heard? Have you never understood?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of all the earth

He never grows weak or weary.

No one can measure the depths of His understanding.

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Who else can pardon my sin? Who else knows me by name? Who else knows the deepest parts of my soul? Who else can be my strength when I am weak? Who else has power just by speaking their name?

What will my reaction be the next time that I am in God's presence to worship?

Impact

This morning seemed routine to me. I had a bowl of cereal while watching the weather, and got ready for work. I was leaving the house at my normal time. I turned to close the entry door and allow my hip to stop the storm door from closing as usual; but this time, I had an unusual occurrence ... the lower removable glass panel on the storm door shattered into hundreds (thousands?) of pieces! Who knew that the same old action would one day have a completely different impact?!

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My body did not get hurt - just three teeny-tiny nicks from slivers of glass. My heart, though, still has a hurt ... a little over two and a half weeks ago, my Papa (Grandpa) passed away. That has definitely been a blow to my soul.

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Several of the people that came to visit he and Grandma while he was in Hospice said that he was the person that led them to the Lord. Several people at the Home-going Celebration for Papa also told us that if it weren't for he and Grandma, they wouldn't know the Lord. He witnessed to people all the time. He was passionate about people knowing Jesus, or knowing Jesus better if they were already a Believer. I've been told about Papa witnessing to nurses in the middle of the night when he would have a stay in the hospital. He was in the hospital and yet made a choice to talk about his Almighty God! Papa (and Grandma) shared the same "old" good-news of the gospel time and again to people ... sometimes I'm sure there were no "visible" results, and sometimes there would be a completely different impact leading to another child of God returning to His Arms!

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Papa and Grandma have not just shared the gospel of Jesus, though. They have lived with a goal of emulating Jesus. They did not just accept others, but considered them valuable ... regardless of religion, wealth, ethnicity, or race. They built relationships. They met needs where they were able to serve. They loved on people. They touched lives. They left a beautiful mark on the hearts and souls of others.

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I know Papa wasn't perfect. I know he and Grandma have not always lived their lives this way. However, I also know that I have watched both my Grandma and Papa live more and more of the life God called them to live each and every day of each and every year of my life. They are able to love people through Jesus because they spend time with Jesus through worship, prayer, and scripture. Papa left, and Grandma is still leaving, an indelible impression on the lives of so many people ... especially me.

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Wouldn't it be Kingdom-advancing and glorifying to our Gracious, Living God if we would choose to live out His will for our lives and share Him with others?!

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You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts,

known and read by everybody.

You show that you are a letter from Christ,

the result of our ministry, written not with ink

but with the Spirit of the Living God,

not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.

II Corinthians 3:2-3

Broken and Poured Out

Hey. Been a while, I know. I haven't really figured out how to process the loss of Papa yet. There is so much in my mind and my heart.

Papa (Grandpa) Tommy Lee Hallman went home to the Lord on Saturday, June 6, 2009 at 4:45 AM ... and I was there.

Here is a brief list of some different things I have shared over the past week or so with others regarding my experience (in no particular order):

• Watching someone you love dearly suffer so greatly is literally sickening
• The last hour and a half before he passed away was (finally) peaceful
• I am thankful that I was there to help out
• I had very little sleep because I was either at Hospice, or driving Grandma around trying to take care of things for her afterwards ... but it was worth it
• I am still exhausted
• Aunt Tammy has had some set-backs from her double mastectomy due to all of the additional activity and stress
• I believe God will heal Aunt Tammy
• I have not had time to have a melt-down yet
• I am proud of big, strong Tommy and Critter for the way that they gently cared for Papa - the Hospice House staff said that they should have been paying our family
• I am so grateful that Papa is no longer suffering, but I am so broken-hearted - he was only 73
• I stand firm in believing that God is faithful
• I have beautiful moments savored in my mind and heart of standing by my Papa's bedside, singing hymns, reading scripture, and praying
• It was precious to hear person after person tell us how it was because of my Papa that they have come to know the Lord
• It was a service that celebrated his life on Earth and his Home-going to Heaven
• I need be reminded that God is holding my Grandma, my family, and me through this

Psalm 6


1 O Lord, don’t rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your rage.

2 Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.

3 I am sick at heart. How long, O Lord, until you restore me?

4 Return, O Lord, and rescue me. Save me because of your unfailing love.

5 For the dead do not remember you. Who can praise you from the grave?

6 I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears.

7 My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies.

8 Go away, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping.

9 The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord will answer my prayer.

10 May all my enemies be disgraced and terrified. May they suddenly turn back in shame.

The Daily Jumble

Look upon my suffering and deliver me,

for I have not forgotten your law.

Psalm 119:153

I have a multitude of thoughts right now. Scores of them performing loop-d'loops (who ever came up with that phrase and how do you honestly spell it?) in my head. They are uncontrollable. They are unbelievable. They are overwhelming. They are overly exhausting. They are there, these thoughts, occupying every available (and sometimes unavailable) space in my head.

I arrived in FL last Friday night (well Saturday morn at 2 am) and have been in a whirl-wind ever since. Critter's jeep broke down. My sis & bro are outside of the continental US. Tommy is just recovering today from a 2-day stomach flu. Cortney broke out in hives from a stress-induced anxiety attack. I tripped at the house over the cutest beagle ever (although unfortunately underfoot at the time), and I'm sore; but I'm not injured. Aunt Tammy was released from the hospital yesterday evening and got to see Papa for 15-20 minutes at the Hospice house down the street before heading 30 miles to her home. Papa was able to open his eyes and acknowledge her twice. That was a huge blessing. Papa's declining health is becoming more obvious daily.

I forgot my daily medication when I hurriedly left Iowa, so after almost 6 days, I finally realized that may be why I'm so exhausted that I can't sleep. I also feel like my conscience self is outside of my physical self by about 1/2 a foot either way. Hard to explain, but the best I have come up with so far is that I am waiting for the sound effects that accompany the multi-million dollar man's super slow-motion music (nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuhhh ...) to be heard by all when I turn my head or move my eyes. My doctor is calling in a refill to a pharmacy here today. This is good because I have had some pretty terrifying night-mares the past two nights.

That's all I've got in me to say right now. My brain hurts and everything feels jumbled in my head right now. My heart is sad, but I've had some very precious moments with the Lord and my family which I will share in an in-depth encouraging blog at a later time.

Keep praying friends.

I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

Psalm 121:1-2

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Yours, O LORD, is the greatness and the power and the glory

and the majesty and the splendor,

for everything in heaven and earth is yours.

Yours, O LORD, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all.

1 Chronicles 29:11